劉寶彩/修正評論家

本文由四個部分組成：(一)原告師考生英語作文2種；(ii)對原告公司考生的原英語作文二類文件進(jìn)行一流修改。劉老師用《英語思維邏輯寫作法》寫了英語作文。原告師考生英語作文不適當(dāng)?shù)男薷暮托薷睦碛?，改編后形成句子段落?

原高中入學(xué)考試候選人英語寫作兩類文本：

迪恩琳達(dá)，

glad to hear from you . now I ' d like to share my opinion on how to be a civilized tourist with you . first of all，It is important for Tourists to proters

Yours，

燦里(東音)

將原來高中入學(xué)考試候選人原來的英語作文改為某種文件：

迪恩琳達(dá)，

I thank you so much for your e-mail asking me for my opinion on how to be one of the civilized tourists . this enables me to find it important for toots Sts togetting the environment friendly，as one of tourists，I am always remaining polite to local people without speaking to them rudely . this has(或To get the public well quiet，I would not talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily)。)the above behaviour should help me with the improvement publicly in good order . thily Right of me to do something pleasant to share to most people . tth

Yours，

燦里(東音)

劉老師用《英語思維邏輯寫作法》寫了英語作文。

迪恩琳達(dá)，

I thank you so much for your e-mail asking me for my opinion on how to be one of the civilized tourists when I could travel in holiday ' s time；ngs a joy at happiness to me . I should share the joy to people in local places . to them I pay a visit to make beautiful by my actions in the public。at helps local people get much more familiar to me to bring the great civilization to them。

as one of tourists I am always remaining polite to them，by keeping their environment friendly or clean，Without throwing the rubbish here analy

the above behaviour should helps me with the improvement publicly in good order . this

shows it is right of me to do something pleasant to share to the other. They will be encouraged to act reasonably and actively in the public. That brings more people to be well strict about their actions by morality and civilization they could.

This reminds me of having a great future in being one of civilized tourists to my benefit.

㈣原中考考生英語作文不妥修改及其修改理由和改后成型句段。

Dear Linda,

Glad to hear from you. Now I’d like to share my opinion on how to be a civilized tourist with you. First of all, it is important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins. Then, tourists’re supposed to follow the local rules. At last to be a civilized tourist, we also have to keep quiet in public. All above are my ideas about being a civilized tourist. Could you please tell me something else?

Yours,

Zhang Li

注意：對原文每個句子編了順序號，以方便點(diǎn)評。

Dear Linda,

①Glad to hear from you. ②Now I’d like to share my opinion on how to be a civilized tourist with you. ③First of all, it is important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins. ④Then, tourists’re supposed to follow the local rules. ⑤At last to be a civilized tourist, we also have to keep quiet in public. ⑥All above are my ideas about being a civilized tourist. ⑦Could you please tell me something else?

Yours,

Zhang Li

點(diǎn)評：

整體表達(dá)有效內(nèi)容有：③保護(hù)環(huán)境不亂丟垃圾、④遵守當(dāng)?shù)匾?guī)章、⑤在公共場合保持安靜...；①②⑥⑦屬于可說可不說內(nèi)容。其具體詳述如下：

①Glad to hear from you. 這句話屬于口語語言沒有問題，但是根據(jù)“第二節(jié) 書面表達(dá)”要求，就欠妥了，因為缺少了主語 I am（glad to ...），需要記住:凡是書面表達(dá)不能省略也不能縮寫（如② I’d，應(yīng)該I would）。本句約等于I thank you for your E-mail...較好。

②Now I’d like to share my opinion on how to be a civilized tourist with you. 這句話等于照搬原來“提示要點(diǎn)句”了，所以判（閱）卷老師看到心里就感到“不舒服了”，如要老師感覺舒服就換一種說法，如“I thank you so much for your E-mail asking me for my opinion on how to be one of the civilized tourists...”而且老師看后有眼前一亮的感覺了，暗暗地會給你升檔次加分?jǐn)?shù)，我想。

③First of all, it is important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins. 此句雖然有內(nèi)容但顯得沒有“化妝”。也就是說，這句話表達(dá)似乎是“從天而降”因為“無因無果”。

特別需要注意國外書面表達(dá)一定是“用英語思維邏輯‘定勢’，就是說：左找原因（...by getting their environment friendly or clean...）←（提示句）中心句意（As one of tourists, I am always remaining polite to local people）→右尋結(jié)果（...without throwing the rubbish here and there in the public and speaking to people rudely.）。這些就組成邏輯組句，即以中心句意為核心而展開寫作”?；蜻壿嫿M句改為“I find it important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins.”后，就符合英語思維邏輯原理了，因為加上了“I find it”這樣就把“Zhang Li”凸現(xiàn)出來了特別是其觀點(diǎn)。再加上“This enables me to find...即：This enables me to find it important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins.”，那么第③句在邏輯上就更加緊密地與第②句聯(lián)結(jié)起來而顯得邏輯結(jié)構(gòu)方面“天衣無縫”了。

這正是作文出題老師提出的要求：1可適當(dāng)發(fā)揮；2語句通順、連貫，敘述要有條理。換句話說：考生要“瞄準(zhǔn)”大考判（閱）卷老師的四要求：“⑴適當(dāng)加入細(xì)節(jié)、⑵語言流暢，⑶英語思維，⑷邏輯清晰”寫作英語作文就是這樣操作的，所以付出辛苦寶貴時間背誦模板范文收效低，就在于此。本句③First of all的“First of all”明顯是模板“味道”的詞語，應(yīng)避免。

避免的方法是使用代詞，這里用的是them和前句中同樣都有them→As one of tourists I am always remaining polite to them...，如此讓“思路”保持“暢通”。

④Then, tourists’re supposed to follow the local rules. 其中Then也是模板“味道”的詞語，應(yīng)避免，方法是使用This代替上句整體的內(nèi)容，本質(zhì)上就是Then之意，但在英語思維邏輯上講就是“因此，所以”等意思，由此又上升了一層次，讓形式和內(nèi)容達(dá)到“雙提升”這就叫英語思維邏輯寫作英語。另外tourists’re不應(yīng)縮寫，應(yīng)寫全稱tourists are因是書面表達(dá)，而且習(xí)慣也沒有這樣縮寫的。This has me follow the public-order rules locally, not to talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily.

⑤At last to be a civilized tourist, we also have to keep quiet in public. 其中之一At last...also 也是模板“味道”的詞語，應(yīng)避免，方法是仍然接續(xù)使用上述的This...，其中之二a civilized tourist, 與we在數(shù)上邏輯不符，所以把we改為I, 其中之三，keep quiet in public應(yīng)表述為keep the public quiet（保持公共<場所>安靜）,才符合英語邏輯單句的“主 + 謂 + 賓（名/代詞）+ 補(bǔ)足語（形容詞）之句型，例句：Please keep the room clean.”。事實上原句子內(nèi)容不具體顯得有“喊口號”之感覺，如加上一些內(nèi)容，就更好了，例如：I would keep the public quiet not to talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily, 如此符合老師提出英語作文的要求：1可根據(jù)郵件要點(diǎn)適當(dāng)發(fā)揮；2語句通順、連貫，敘述要有條理。或者To get the public well quiet, I would not to talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily.

⑥All above are my ideas about being a civilized tourist. 此句實際上還是提示句的間接重復(fù)，為免重復(fù)改為“The above behaviour should helps me with the improvement publicly in good order.”由此繼續(xù)推理得出結(jié)果是“This shows it is right of me to do something pleasant to share to most people. They will be encouraged to act reasonably and actively in the public.”所以，不但要點(diǎn)適當(dāng)發(fā)揮，而且敘述又有條理性，還沒有照搬“...being a civilized tourist”之嫌疑，結(jié)果判卷老師有可能給升檔次加分?jǐn)?shù)了。

⑦Could you please tell me something else?此句應(yīng)刪除，因為“張華”和“LINDA”談“如何作一名文明游客”看法無關(guān)聯(lián)。

綜合原英語作文更正后的①至⑦匯總英語作文如下：

Dear Linda,

I thank you so much for your E-mail asking me for my opinion on how to be one of the civilized tourists. This enables me to find it important for tourists to protect the environment by throwing the rubbish into bins. Getting the environment friendly, as one of tourists, I am always remaining polite to local people without speaking to them rudely. This has me follow the public-order rules locally, not to talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily. (或者To get the public well quiet, I would not talk loudly and smoke cigarettes heavily.）The above behaviour should helps me with the improvement publicly in good order. This shows it is right of me to do something pleasant to share to most people. They will be encouraged to act reasonably and actively in the public.

Yours,

Zhang Li

這匯總英語作文就是有理有據(jù)，即：有原因有結(jié)果之邏輯推理，來談?wù)摗叭绾巫饕幻拿饔慰汀敝捶ǖ囊活愔锌加⒄Z作文。

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附：英語作文寫作已知條件

第二節(jié) 書面表達(dá) （共一小題，滿分15分）

假如你是張麗，請根據(jù)以下郵件提示，給你的朋友Linda回復(fù)一封郵件。

要求：1可根據(jù)郵件要點(diǎn)適當(dāng)發(fā)揮；2語句通順、連貫，敘述要有條理；3詞數(shù)80次左右（郵件稱呼及落款已給出，不計入總詞數(shù)。）

Dear ZhangLi,

With the improvement of people’s living standards, more and more people choose to travel in holidays. This time I want to talk to you about how to be a civilized（文明的）tourist. What is your opinion on this issue?

Looking forward to your reply!

Yours,

Linda

（隨著生活水平提高，人們在假日旅游，因此我想跟你談?wù)勅绾巫饕幻拿饔慰?，就此問題你的看法是什么呢？期待你的答復(fù)！）

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總結(jié)：

考生明白了以上四個部分，那么就懂得了——妙！教給中考考生把英語作文從二類文變成一類文的方法